There are moments in this work that stay with you. I remember one in particular, a parent sitting across from me, eyes full of worry, voice barely above a whisper. They were describing how their child, who once ran happily into the other parent’s arms, had started dreading those visits. Now, the child stayed buckled in the car, pleading not to go.
It’s a moment I’ve seen in many different forms and it never gets easier. Co-parenting after separation is hard enough, but when a child starts showing distress, it cuts deep. These are the stories that remind me why co-parenting education for parents post divorce is important because behind every custody schedule is a child trying to feel safe and loved in two worlds.
At Puglisi Counseling, I’ve worked with countless families wrestling with the aftermath of divorce; parents who are exhausted from constant arguments about pickup times, kids who’ve started having nightmares, and former spouses who can barely be in the same room for school events. The pain is real, and it’s messy.
But, here’s what I’ve learned after years of helping families navigate this difficult terrain: divorce doesn’t have to destroy your child’s sense of security. In fact, I’ve seen children flourish when their parents learn to co-parent effectively, even after the most contentious divorces. The difference isn’t whether you stay married but how you choose to parent together afterward.
When Families Shift: How Divorce Touches a Child’s Heart and Mind
After years of sitting with families navigating the aftermath of divorce, one truth has become clear: it’s not the divorce itself that hurts children most, it’s how the adults handle what comes next.
I once worked with a family where the child, around ten years old, was having regular panic attacks and shutting down emotionally. The divorce had happened a while back, but the conflict hadn’t ended. The parents were still caught in daily power struggles, over routines, activities, and even meals (a very common scenario for post-divorce parenting).
But over time, something powerful happened. The parents began to shift how they communicated. They stopped trying to win and started working as a team. They learned to approach co-parenting like a partnership built around their child’s needs and not their past hurts. And the change in their child was remarkable. The anxiety eased. Confidence returned. They began thriving but not because the divorce disappeared, rather because the conflict did.
What changed? The way the adults showed up for their child – together, even while apart.
It might surprise some, but research is starting to echo what many of us in the mental health field see every day: kids don’t need their parents to stay married. They just need their parents to get along. One large study found that children in joint custody, where parents worked together respectfully, actually had BETTER mental health than kids living in homes with constant conflict, even when those parents were still married.
Let that sink in. A peaceful, cooperative two-home life can be more emotionally secure for a child than a single home filled with tension. It’s not the divorce itself rather it’s the way parents choose to move forward that truly shapes a child’s well-being.
What Mental Health Professionals See
The families who do best after divorce? They share some common patterns:
1. Kids who know both parents still love them fiercely
2. Parents who bite their tongues instead of bad-mouthing their ex
3. Families who create new traditions that work for everyone
4. Children who feel safe expressing their feelings without fear of causing more conflict
On the flip side, the children who struggle most often come from families where:
1. Parents use them as messengers (“Tell your mother she is late again”)
2. Every transition between homes feels like a battlefield
3. Rules and expectations change dramatically between houses
4. They feel responsible for their parents’ emotions
The Real-World Guide to Better Co-parenting
Let me be honest with you: healthy co-parenting isn’t about pretending to be friends with someone who may have broken your heart. I’ve never once told a client they need to like their ex-spouse.
What I do tell them is that they need to learn to work together like colleagues in the most important job they’ll ever have: raising their child.
Here’s what actually works, based on what I’ve seen succeed (and fail) in real families:
Talk About Your Kid, Not Your Feelings
I had a friend who once shared how they’d been sending long, emotional messages to their ex about the pain of watching them move on. At the same time, their child had been quietly asking to switch schools and no one had noticed.
Healthy co-parenting sounds something like, “Hey, she’s been having a hard time with math lately — should we look into a tutor?”
Not, “Wow, so you’re already dating him now” When conversations start drifting into personal territory, it’s the kids who feel it most.
If in-person talks tend to turn into arguments, tools like OurFamilyWizard or other co-parenting apps can really help. Many parents I work with say messaging through an app gives them time to pause, choose their words more carefully, and keep the focus where it belongs – on their child. Plus, it creates a record in case things do get tense.
Your Child Isn’t Your Therapist
I see this mistake constantly, and it breaks my heart every time. Your 12-year-old should not be comforting you about the divorce. They should not be your confidant about how unfair the custody arrangement is. They definitely should not hear you call their other parent names, even if you feel those names are accurate.
It’s easy to miss the signs, but sometimes children take on emotional roles they shouldn’t have to. Like the moment a 7-year-old gently patted his mom’s shoulder and said, “It’s okay, Mommy. You don’t need Daddy anyway.” What sounds sweet on the surface is actually a sign of something deeper: a child stepping into the role of emotional caretaker. Kids shouldn’t feel responsible for managing a parent’s pain. They deserve the space to just be kids.
Pick Your Battles Wisely
Here’s a hard truth: your ex-spouse is going to do
things differently than you. Maybe they let the kids stay up later on weekends. Maybe they serve cereal for dinner sometimes. Maybe their house is messier than yours.
Ask yourself: Is this actually harmful to my child, or is it just not what I would do?
I have seen parents fight about whether their 6-year-old could wear mismatched socks to Dad’s house. Meanwhile, that same child was having nightmares about their parents screaming at each other. Guess which issue we needed to be focused on more?
Respect Each Other’s Time
It sounds simple, but this is where many families struggle: honor the custody schedule, even when it’s hard or inconvenient. Your child needs consistency, not tension over time spent with each parent. And as tempting as it might be, try not to call or text constantly during your co-parent’s time. It can put kids in the middle and make them feel torn, causing more unnecessary stress. Giving them space to enjoy both homes helps them feel secure and that’s the real goal.
Now, if your child is the one calling or texting frequently, that’s worth gently exploring. Are they feeling anxious? Are they unsure of the rules in the other home? Offer reassurance, but also encourage them to enjoy their time with the other parent. Let them know it’s okay to be fully present in both places and that you’ll be there when they come back.
I’ve seen situations where one parent calls their child repeatedly during the other parent’s time sometimes 10, 15 times in a single weekend. While the intention might be love or concern, the impact on the child can be heavy.
When a Child’s Behavior Is Really a Message
As a therapist, certain behaviors immediately catch my attention. If I see these signs in your child, we need to talk about getting them additional support:
Red Flags That Need Immediate Attention:
1. Persistent sadness that lasts weeks. I’m not talking about having sad days (that’s normal), but when a child seems to have lost their spark entirely. When laughter fades, interests disappear, and even the things they used to love no longer bring joy. That kind of heaviness in a child is a quiet signal that something deeper might be going on and it’s worth paying attention to.
2. Regression to younger behaviors, like a potty-trained 5-year-old suddenly having accidents daily, or a 10-year-old who won’t sleep alone anymore
3. School calling frequently and teachers report dramatic changes in behavior, attention, or academic performance
4. Physical complaints with no medical cause like chronic stomachaches, headaches, or sleeping problems that doctors can’t explain
5. Expressions of guilt or responsibility like children who say things such as “If I was good, maybe Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t have divorced”
These signs aren’t just phases to wait out; they’re calls for support. When we notice these red flags, it’s time to pause, ask deeper questions, and consider what the child might be trying to express without words.
What Normal Looks Like During Divorce:
Let me reassure you, some difficult behaviors are completely expected. I don’t worry when children have occasional meltdowns during transitions between homes, as these changes can stir up big emotions. They might ask repetitive questions about the divorce, trying to make sense of it in their own way.
Some children will test boundaries to see if the usual rules still apply, while others may express anger toward one or both parents as they process their feelings. During this time, many simply need extra comfort and reassurance to feel safe and secure again. The key difference lies in how intense the behavior is and how long it lasts.
It’s completely normal for kids to have tough days now and then. But when changes in their mood or behavior are severe and don’t go away over time, it’s a sign that something more serious may be going on.
You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup (And Other Things I Tell Exhausted Parents)
I’ll be blunt: most of the parents I work with are running on fumes. They’re so focused on protecting their children from the divorce fallout that they forget to take care of themselves. Then they wonder why they’re snapping at their kids or crying in grocery store parking lots.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Your emotional state directly impacts your child’s sense of security. When you’re constantly stressed, anxious, or depressed, your child feels that energy, even if you think you’re hiding it well.
What Actually Works for Self-Care (Not Just Bubble Baths):
Set Boundaries That Stick
I teach my clients to respond, not react. When your ex sends that infuriating text at 10 PM, you don’t have to respond immediately. Sleep on it. Draft your response, then delete half of it. Focus on facts, not feelings.
Build Your Village
Connect with other divorced parents who get it. Join local support groups, there are many areas throughout Scranton and Lackawanna County or Northeast Pennsylvania such as churches and community centers that offer them. Sometimes just knowing you’re not the only one whose kid’s school is now calling them about various behaviors at school following the divorce.
Move Your Body
I know, I know! You barely have time to shower, let alone exercise. But even 15 minutes walking around Nay Aug Park or your neighborhood can help reset your stress levels. Your kids benefit when they see you taking care of yourself.
Know When to Ask for Help
I wish every parent understood this: asking for help isn’t admitting failure. It’s being smart. Consider seeking professional support when the same arguments with your ex keep happening without resolution, when your child’s behavior changes are ongoing and worrisome, or when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by depression or anxiety. If co-parenting feels impossible despite your best efforts, it may be time to bring in outside help.
Individual therapy can help you process your own grief about the divorce and develop better coping strategies. Co-parenting counseling (yes, that’s a real thing and we have therapist that specialize in it at Puglisi Counseling!) can help you and your ex learn to communicate more effectively. And family therapy can give your child a safe space to express their feelings about the new family structure.
The Messy, Beautiful Reality of Blended Families
Let me paint you a picture of what success actually looks like. It’s not Instagram-perfect. It’s a dad texting his ex-wife that their son forgot his inhaler, and her dropping it off without a single sarcastic comment. It’s parents sitting on opposite sides of the bleachers at a soccer game but both cheering equally loudly. It’s a child who feels loved and secure in two different homes, even if those homes have different rules about screen time.
Success is gradual. It’s your child who stopped asking “When are you and Daddy getting back together?” and started asking “Can I bring my friend to both houses this weekend?”
Practical Ways to Create Stability
Make Transitions Easier
Some kids thrive on routine, others are more adaptable. Figure out what your child needs. Maybe it’s a special stuffed animal that travels between homes. Maybe it’s FaceTiming the other parent before bed each night. One of my clients created a photo album of both houses that her 4-year-old could look at when he missed the other parent.
Create New Traditions
The holidays you used to celebrate as a family might need to change, and that’s okay. Maybe Christmas morning is now at Mom’s house and Christmas afternoon is at Dad’s. Maybe birthdays involve two smaller celebrations instead of one big one. Focus on creating positive new memories rather than mourning the old traditions.
Don’t Compete, Collaborate
Your child doesn’t need two parents trying to be the “fun” one or the “responsible” one. They need parents who complement each other. Maybe Dad is better at helping with math homework and Mom excels at emotional support. Play to your strengths instead of trying to be everything to your child.
What I Want You to Remember:
After working with hundreds of families going through divorce, here’s what I want every parent to know: your child’s future isn’t determined by whether you stayed married. It’s determined by how you choose to love and support them moving forward. I’ve seen children of divorce become incredibly resilient, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent adults. They’ve learned that families come in all shapes and sizes, that love doesn’t always look the same, and that two homes can feel just as secure as one, sometimes even more secure.
Your child is watching how you handle conflict, disappointment, and change. They’re learning from your example whether challenges can be overcome with grace and cooperation, or whether they lead to bitterness and ongoing battles.
The families who do best? They focus on building something new rather than mourning what they’ve lost. They understand that divorce is an ending, but it’s also a beginning.
Moving Forward Together
I know this isn’t easy. Some days, co-parenting will feel impossible. Your ex might push every button you have. Your child might have a meltdown that makes you question everything. That’s normal and expected.
What matters is that you keep showing up, keep trying, and keep your child’s well-being at the center of every decision you make. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be present and committed to doing
